Climbing on the Sparrow Branch – CH 790

Chapter 790: A Regret

As soon as An Zhi entered the room, she smelled a much stronger medicinal odor than yesterday.

Binglu was left outside; only An Zhi entered.

Slowly walking down to the hall, Yonglu told An Zhi to wait a moment, then went to roll up the gauze curtains around the bed.

The Empress Dowager was helped to sit up by two palace maids, but she could not sit still on her own and leaned against the bedding.

An Zhi greeted the Empress Dowager, kneeling down, but did not hear the Empress Dowager call out.

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After a long silence, accompanied by a soft cough, the Empress Dowager finally spoke, “I’ve envied very few people in my life, and you’re one of them.”

An Zhi lowered her head, not understanding the Empress Dowager’s expression, but she was very surprised, never expecting the Empress Dowager to say she envied her.

“We women live our whole lives, never living for ourselves. We learn etiquette for the family’s reputation, and we marry for the family’s benefit. After having children and husbands, we start to toil for our children and husbands again. It’s truly… pathetic.” The Empress Dowager paused to rest and catch her breath before continuing, “So after the late Emperor passed away, I thought, could I have a different life? But the late Emperor’s last decree shattered all my aspirations. The court officials think I’m too ambitious, too unsatisfied, but why can men use any means to climb to high positions and riches, but I cannot?”

A mocking smile appeared on the Empress Dowager’s thin lips. “An Zhi, do you think I’m wrong?”

Wrong? This was truly a difficult question to answer.

If An Zhi were the Empress Dowager, she too would resent the late Emperor’s edict. After decades of palace intrigue, she had finally risen to power, only to be met with such suspicion from the late Emperor. She would feel heartbroken, deeply resentful, and bitter.

But An Zhi was not the Empress Dowager; she had her own perspective.

From An Zhi’s point of view, the late Emperor’s edict was, in a way, a good thing. Otherwise, with the Empress Dowager wielding immense power and controlling the Emperor, the Pei family would not only have faced confiscation of their property but might even have been forced into exile.

Moreover, the Empress Dowager’s selfish motives were too strong, which was precisely why the late Emperor left the edict.

When the Empress Dowager asked An Zhi this question, An Zhi felt that the Empress Dowager was both right and wrong.

“Your Majesty, the past is but smoke and clouds. Everyone has a different perspective and a different way of thinking. There is no absolute right or wrong, so I’m powerless to answer this question.”

“Haha, you’re becoming more and more like Pei Que.” The Empress Dowager laughed a few times, then coughed several times. She only felt a little better after Yonglu fed her water. Every word she spoke was extremely difficult. “I do not think I’m wrong. Everyone looks out for themselves. I just feel it’s unfair. There’s too much unfairness in this world. I tried, but I failed.”

She paused, her gaze fixed on An Zhi. “An Zhi, you know, do you not? I’m about to die.”

An Zhi quickly kowtowed. “I’m terrified.”

“Do not bother with these formalities. You secretly wish for my early death,” the Empress Dowager said calmly, withdrawing her gaze and slowly closing her eyes.

Speaking of her own death, the Empress Dowager’s tone was calm, but only she knew how much struggle and torment she had endured. An Zhi pressed her forehead tightly against the floor tiles, not daring to look at the Empress Dowager. For a madam like the Empress Dowager, the topic of death was extremely taboo. For the Empress Dowager to suddenly speak to her like this—could it be that she was going to take her away?

An Zhi’s heart leaped into her throat.

The Empress Dowager closed her eyes, regaining some strength, and continued, “In my life, I have ultimately failed to achieve my own wishes. Looking across the entire court, besides you, no one has been more outstanding than me. An Zhi, how fortunate you have been. Although you were rejected by Pei Yu, you gained Pei Que’s unparalleled favor and the Pei family’s immense power. The love and respect you possess are things I could never obtain in my entire life.”

The Empress Dowager’s tone was sincere; she genuinely envied her.

But to An Zhi, it sent chills down her spine.

She knew that Shuo Feng and his men were lying in ambush nearby; if anything happened inside the house, Shuo Feng could save her. But if Shuo Feng were to make a move here, it would be tantamount to assassinating the Empress Dowager, a crime punishable by the confiscation of her property and the extermination of her entire clan.

“This humble woman is but an ordinary person; I dare not compare myself to Your Majesty the Empress Dowager.” An Zhi frowned where no one could see. She truly did not want to hear the Empress Dowager say these things; they were not close friends.

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“An ordinary person? Heh, if you say such a thing, be careful you do not get struck by lightning,” the Empress Dowager mocked. “Just consider Pei Que’s treatment of you; it’s truly extraordinary and unique in this world. An Zhi, do you know why I only allowed you to stay here today?”

An Zhi shook her head. Even if she had a bad feeling at this moment, she could not say it aloud.

The Empress Dowager’s eyes were closed, so she did not see An Zhi shake her head. Only after Yonglu reminded her did she speak: “You are so clever; you will surely understand. My illness came suddenly, and I might die at any moment. But before I die, there’s one thing I cannot let go of. Think carefully about what it is.”

After speaking, the Empress Dowager had a maid help her lie down.

The gauze curtain was drawn again, and An Zhi slowly sat up. She could only see the Empress Dowager’s blurry silhouette through the curtain, her heart pounding wildly.

After a while, Yonglu came down the steps to An Zhi and bowed, saying, “Madam of Pei, please kneel here a little longer. Her Majesty is tired and probably will not wake up for another hour or two. Her Majesty has not been in good spirits lately, so please think carefully about your answer; otherwise, she might fall asleep again soon.”

The implication was that if she could not figure it out, she should continue kneeling.

In the main hall, there were cushions for kneeling while praying, but here, there were only cold, hard tiles. An Zhi’s knees were already aching from kneeling for so long. But with so many people watching her, she could not afford to slack off even a little.

The Empress Dowager deliberately kept An Zhi behind, then claimed she was dying soon. To say such a thing suggested she knew An Zhi would not leave alive.

However, the Empress Dowager, knowing she was about to die—did this mean she also knew there was something fishy about her illness?

If she knew, her inaction indicated powerlessness.

What kind of person could commit such a treasonous act and still keep the Empress Dowager silent?

An Zhi thought of the Empress Dowager’s words of envy. Pei Que’s feelings for her were indeed admirable, perhaps even enviable. But An Zhi felt that the Empress Dowager, having been immersed in palace intrigue for so many years, would not be so moved by a young girl’s love affairs; it seemed more like an implication of something else.

An Zhi pondered for a long time until, an hour later, her legs went numb, and the Empress Dowager finally awoke.

Yonglu and others helped the Empress Dowager wash her face and feed her medicine. Only then did the Empress Dowager sit up again and ask An Zhi if she had made up her mind.

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An Zhi took a deep, silent breath, her slender, willow-leaf eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Your Majesty, is there some regret you wish to resolve that I could help you with?”