Spring Message in the Snow – CH 087

Chapter 87

Step by step, the Emperor’s face gradually became clearer. Perhaps due to the gloomy weather, his expression was somewhat somber. Seeing her approaching, he said nothing and turned to enter the hall.

Surou’s heart was filled with not only trepidation but also, more so, resentment. She resented the Emperor’s impulsive decision, which might ruin her reputation. Before she was even married, so many rumors, true and false, had circulated. Now that she was married to Helian Song, he still summoned her to this secluded place. If others saw this, even if she had a mouth full of mouths, she feared she would not be able to explain herself.

However, she could not be angry, could not show her displeasure on her face. She needed to pull herself together and deal with the situation carefully.

An Sheng led her into the hall. This Qinghui Hall was a cooling hall. In the very center of the hall stood a towering pillar, around which eight fan blades, each two people high, were installed. The fan blades were made of silk, painted with green and blue landscapes. Each blade was as large as a screen. In the summer, when the Emperor, Empress, and ladies-in-waiting cooled themselves in the palace, palace servants would pull the central axis, causing the blades to spin and creating a refreshing breeze—a mechanism somewhat similar to a windmill held by children, whistling back and forth.

Because each palace had its own dedicated servants, Surou had only been ordered to deliver things when she first entered the palace. At that time, the little girl was utterly awestruck by the enormous fan blades. Now, many years later, this amazement had not diminished, but being summoned by the Emperor, her mind was preoccupied, and she had no extra energy to pay attention to this ingenious design.

Unable to see the Emperor directly, she had to circle around the massive fan blades, searching for him, one by one. An Sheng had long since retreated outside the palace; the more she did this, the more uncomfortable she felt, as if she really did have some kind of secret affair with the Emperor and had to meet him secretly like this.

Another layer of scenery appeared, and through the thin silk, the figure standing behind it could be glimpsed. Surou stopped and called out, “Your Majesty, this humble woman, Zhang, greets Your Majesty.”

The person behind the fan did not move, remaining standing as before, watching her curtsy through the hazy light. Clad in brocade robes, her figure was slender and graceful.

The Emperor finally spoke. “Speak,” he said. “It has been a long time since I have seen the Princess Consort. I invite her to come and speak.”

Surou agreed. Being separated by this layer, without having to face him directly, made her feel somewhat at ease.

“The other day, Helian went to court with an injury on his face. I summoned him for questioning and learned that something had happened in your household. Later, I heard that the woman was pregnant and you’ve taken her back to the Prince’s Mansion…” A hint of emotion crept into the Emperor’s voice. “You are more magnanimous than I imagined. I thought you would find a way to abort that woman’s child and sever all ties with Helian, but you did not.”

Surou fell silent, knowing she would have to use some skill this time to appease the Emperor. After all, the child’s future was of great importance, and the Emperor might have suspicions. If she did not act genuinely and convincingly, if she could not portray that profound grief, she would definitely not be able to deceive him.

The wind picked up outside, and the mournful sound of it whistling through the eaves could be heard. Amidst this vast desolation, she slowly said, “If she were an ordinary geisha, I could indeed deal with her without hesitation, but she is not. They’ve known each other for twelve years; youthful friendship is so precious. Plus, that woman is very good at playing the victim, playing the pitiful card. However, the Emperor knows this; he’s swayed by soft words but not by force. The more he pities her, the more he dotes on her, the less I can do anything about her.”

“Originally, my husband taking a concubine was not a big deal, and I never expected him to stay with only me for life, but… only a month into our marriage, and he’s already taken a mistress. To be honest, it really breaks my heart. Now, everyone in the capital is talking about me behind my back. I clearly married so grandly, but before I even had a chance to settle down, I am going to be someone else’s legal mother. What else is there to say? Face is at stake.”

The Emperor, upon hearing this, comforted her: “You do not need to take those idle gossips to heart. Look at the ladies attending today’s birthday banquet; apart from the Princess, which one does not have concubines? You are, after all, the Heir Apparent’s legal wife. Concubines and illegitimate sons cannot shake your position.”

“But they love each other,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. “There is affection between them. Helian Song keeps saying he only loves me, but I can read his eyes. When he looks at Zhiniang, his gaze is clearly full of affection. So it was not a mistake made while drunk. He conceived a child after just one time? I do not believe it, but does Your Majesty believe it? I know he’s just making excuses for me. Zhiniang is the one he truly loves. He married me only to have a noble wife to uphold his family’s honor.”

She did not say the rest explicitly, but the implication was clear: she had become Helian Song’s scapegoat, and that he would likely bring about the succession of his family in the future, while she would have to guard an empty Prince’s Mansion and be a princess in name only for the rest of her life.

Her words somewhat confirmed the Emperor’s suspicions, and therefore, in his eyes, they held a degree of credibility.

Looking back, his own resentment, coupled with Surou’s current anger, amplified the bewilderment that followed this twist of fate many times over. The Emperor asked her, “Do you regret it?”

She remained silent, her head held high with haughty pride. After a long pause, she said, “Emotionally, I should regret it. Wasting my prime years on a swindler is not worth it. But logically… I should not regret it. As long as I am here, Zhiniang will never be the principal wife; she will always be subordinate to me.”

However, this self-deceptive courage could not last long. Through the thin gauze, the Emperor saw her sway slightly, then collapse weakly to her knees. “That day, he told me he would give me the child after it was born. Raising that child, out of love for the house and its crows, is intended to make me elevate that child so that he can be registered under my name as the eldest son. What will happen to my child in the future? Your Majesty, if I really acknowledge that child, then will the next Prince of Wukang title be granted to that child?”

The Emperor said no, “There is a distinction between high and low; a son of a concubine is a son of a concubine. Even if registered under your name, if the mother is of lowly status, he is still a son of a concubine.”

However, if Helian truly favored that concubine, then the child’s status in his heart would be very different, which was not a bad thing for the court. But when everyone began to look forward to that child, Surou would appear even more pitiful.

He paused briefly, then moved around the fan and walked to her. He thought she was resolute and intelligent and would surely have a way to deal with it, but when she looked up at him, tears were already streaming down her face, and she looked like an abandoned kitten. A sudden, dull pain shot through the Emperor’s heart. He realized that no matter how much someone resembled her in appearance and bearing, they were ultimately not her; something was always missing.

Today, the noble ladies entered the palace to pay their respects to the Empress on her birthday. He stood on the covered walkway, watching the women pass through the palace street, and in the crowd, he recognized her at a glance. The substitute he had used to deceive himself vanished without a trace, like a ghost in the sunlight. He had restrained himself repeatedly, knowing he should not see her, but the more he restrained himself, the more he missed her—a common human failing. He even began to resent Helian Song, who had obtained her but failed to cherish her. As the Emperor, he had repeatedly yielded, only to be met with this fate.

He reached out his hand to her. “Do not cry; get up.”

Surou did not accept his kindness. Calming herself, she stood up and took two steps back, saying, “Your Majesty, please forgive me. I lost my composure. I should not have discussed so many family matters with you, causing you distress.”

The Emperor said it was alright. “I’ve always been concerned about how you two are doing after your marriage, not only because Jie Ran is my friend, but also because of you. Back then, you rejected me, unwilling to enter the palace, unwilling to become a concubine in the Forbidden City. I thought that if you married him, he could give you the care I could not, so I had to give in. But now… I actually regret it. If I had kept you and arranged another marriage for Helian, I wonder what things would be like now.”

These words left Surou speechless, even forgetting to cry. She thought to herself, “Just because Helian Song is not good does not mean you are a good match.” Now that she was already married, to hear such words to her face was truly chilling.

The Emperor continued to gaze at her earnestly, as if awaiting her answer. If she immediately expressed her willingness to divorce Helian Song, perhaps he could find a way to rekindle their relationship.

Surou hesitated slightly, then lowered her head and said, “Your Majesty, please do not dwell on the past. It’s all in the past. Perhaps it’s fate that I have to endure this hardship, and I dare not complain.”

The Emperor smiled, put his hands behind his back, and slowly walked towards an open area of ​​the hall, muttering to himself as he paced, “I will not deny it. Before your marriage, I used Sujie to expose the truth to you. Actually, I secretly hoped you would change your mind and break off the engagement. Unfortunately, in the end, you still married him. At the time, I only said that I was acting on Helian’s orders to put pressure on the Zhang family, but you did not know that if it were not for Helian Song, I was indeed prepared to bring you into the palace.”

“Alas, I am the Emperor; the fate of the nation is above personal likes and dislikes. Helian wanted you, and to win over Longyou, I had to give you up, but… the closer we get to each other, the more I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. I carefully kept the fireproof plate you gave me; thinking back, it seems foolish. Someone like me, who gets whatever I want, why bother with this display of deep affection… A ruler’s deep affection is the worst thing, so I’ve tried many ways to alleviate it, but the more I try, the lonelier I feel.”

“These words should not have been spoken; they are too unreasonable, too presumptuous. If that concubine had not appeared, I think I would have endured it my whole life, but now your marriage is in trouble… Forgive my petty mind; even without your response, I still want to tell you what’s in my heart.”

Surou felt her heart pounding, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. She had long anticipated facing such an awkward situation, but she had not expected it to come true and to be so shameful.

Now, how should she respond? After the Emperor, with such deep affection, poured out his heart to her…

Surou glanced at him awkwardly. “Your Majesty, it’s too late for you to say this now. Since it’s too late, you should not have said it. To be honest, I truly regret marrying Helian Song, but even without marrying him, I never considered returning to the palace. It’s not that Your Majesty is bad; it’s that I dared not even think about it. To me, Your Majesty is like a god in heaven, someone I must constantly look up to. I dared not approach Your Majesty, much less disrespect you. Now that I am married, my husband is Your Majesty’s subject, and I must not overstep my bounds, causing my husband shame and Your Majesty distress. I beg Your Majesty’s understanding.”

She was adept at comforting and deflecting blame, using a few words to convey profound truths, as if he, the Emperor, had been too hasty and reckless.

Yes, he had indeed been hasty this time and somewhat thoughtless, but after this, when would he see her again? He had been with too many women, almost all of whom required no effort; a single glance was enough to send them to his bed that very night. To him, the three palaces and six courtyards were like different scents of incense and different colors of clothing. He could choose them as he pleased. He never felt that they were equal to him. But the person in front of him was different. The more he desired but could not obtain, the lower he had to be.

Now, she was coaxing him like a child, which he found somewhat ridiculous. Although he did not know what he wanted, and although he understood he could not do anything to her, he was unwilling to accept it. She was right in front of him, yet like the moon in the sky, unattainable.

He slowly walked over. “You know my feelings, and I understand yours. Even though Helian Song is wronging you now, you still think he’s better than me, right?”

Surou panicked slightly, taking a half-step back. He continued, “You liked his purity and innocence, but he’s not anymore. He’s no different from me, using the guise of an old acquaintance to force you to accept him. He’s been pressuring you all along, and you’ve gotten used to compromising without even realizing it. Do you truly have feelings for him? Or did you choose him to avoid entering the palace? If so, with just one word, I can give you the title of County Princess, provide you with a large mansion outside the palace, and even visit you every day, like an ordinary couple, spending every night with you. Do not you believe me?”

He walked closer, finally cornering her against the wall. Perhaps due to his emotional agitation, the ambergris incense on his collar churned and surged like waves, making her feel uneasy.

Surou was terrified, her face drained of color. The hairpin in her hair trembled slightly as she dodged. He suddenly laughed, a bitter laugh. “Are you so afraid of me? You’ve never treated me like a god; you clearly see me as a ghost, yet you still try to deceive me with sweet words.”

Concubines and illegitimate sons were no longer topics for him to discuss with her. He focused all his attention on his own feelings. Because he had never experienced setbacks, he felt that the person who gave him setbacks was like poison dipped in honey, making him love her to the point of life and hate her to the point of death.

The immense pressure made Surou almost want to flee. The Emperor was very tall, almost as tall as Helian Song. Such overwhelming power, such intimidating authority. He was different from Helian Song. Helian Song possessed a gentle and approachable nature, while the Emperor was covered in sharp thorns; getting too close would pierce her flesh and penetrate her internal organs.

She hoped he would calm down, and as he drew closer, she hurriedly pressed her hand against his chest. She could feel his heart pounding beneath her palm; it terrified her that she might do something wrong to anger him. In this secluded place, she truly felt utterly helpless.

“Your Majesty…” she said, her voice trembling, “We cannot be together in this lifetime. I hate that he keeps a mistress, and I would never become your mistress. You say he forced me, but are you not forcing me now? You cherish what you cannot have and discard it like trash once you have it. Do not think you are any different from him!”

He was stunned, his expression shifting rapidly, perhaps reflecting on his own actions, carefully considering her words.

Indeed, he could not guarantee how long this devotion would last. Maybe three to five months, maybe three to five years, maybe a lifetime—no one could say for sure. He was simply trapped by this unattainable love, hating his own powerlessness. He had been looking forward to this meeting for days, but what good would it do now? She was still Helian Song’s wife.

Suddenly, he abandoned his aloofness and asked her in a sorrowful voice, “Is it wrong for me to love you?”

Surou had never seen this side of the Emperor. In her memory, he had always been high and mighty, holding life and death in his hands, ruling over a vast empire. How could he show such a vulnerable side? But those eyes looked into her heart, and she saw a hint of tears well up in them. Before she could react, he forcefully pulled her into his arms.

She was shocked and struggled to break free, but the man’s strength was too great; her resistance was futile.

The hairpin fell to the ground with a “clink,” and she said sharply, “Your Majesty! Please, Your Majesty, have some self-respect!”

He ignored her, pleadingly saying, “Just this once, just this once… I feel terrible, indescribably terrible.”

But she still broke free, saying sternly, “I have always respected Your Majesty. Please do not break that respect with your own hands. Your momentary lapse in judgment will make it difficult for me to maintain my position in the capital. Your Majesty may not care about my life or death, but do you not care about Longyou?”

These words finally jolted him awake. He had been trapped in a vicious cycle, filled with resentment and discontent. Like a child who craved ice and whose aunt forbade it, this resentment could linger throughout the summer, making him feel something was missing every time he opened his eyes. He thought this stubbornness had healed with age, but after meeting her, it seemed the old ailment had resurfaced.

If it were simply about her, it would be easier for him than eating ice cream. But behind her were Helian Song and Longyou. He could not let a moment of romantic affection cause him to lose the territory the late Emperor had fought so hard to reclaim. Therefore, he hesitated and finally, reluctantly, gave up, bowing his head and saying, “I am sorry. I offended you,” before picking up the fallen hairpin and returning it to her.

Surou’s cheeks burned, but her body was ice-cold. She clutched the hairpin in her hand, the gnarled branches digging deep into her flesh, almost drawing blood. She could only grit her teeth and endure, carefully smoothing her hair, re-inserting the hairpin into her bun, and bowing to the Emperor, saying, “Please stay, Your Majesty; I must take my leave.”

She reverted to the dignified and courteous Zhang Surou. Her face seemed familiar, yet upon closer inspection, it felt strangely unfamiliar.

The Emperor opened his mouth but only sighed, “It was my fault. Please do not hate me.”

She took two steps, then turned back, saying, “Your Majesty, Helian Song indeed failed to fulfill his pre-marital promises, but that does not give Your Majesty any reason to humiliate me. I beg Your Majesty to uphold your authority and prioritize harmony between ruler and subject. From now on, Your Majesty must not summon me alone again, lest you give others cause for gossip and damage Your Majesty’s reputation.” She then gave a curtsy before leaving Qinghui Palace.

The sky outside grew increasingly gloomy. Snowflakes brushed against her face, melting instantly, and she realized with a start that winter had arrived. The events she had just experienced left a lump in her throat; she dared not think about them further, for the thought made her tremble. If she could, she would not want to linger in the Forbidden City for even a moment longer.

But she could not. Back at Shengping Tower, she still had to put on a smiling face and chat with the noblewomen. The banquet did not end until late afternoon. She supported herself and followed the eunuch through the alley and out of the Gongchen Gate. Only when she saw her own carriage parked by the roadside did she feel a little relaxed.

Nanny Fu and Quelan had been waiting outside all day. Seeing her arrive, they hurriedly shook the snow off their umbrellas and rushed to help her. She reached out for support, nearly collapsing the moment she touched her family member.